Hi-I'm a native English speaker and writer who can deliver 5 articles a week. I'm keeping this brief so I have space to include the re-write:
Pack That Damn Backpack, Moron!
Ok, let’s say someone you met in a bar last night says: Dude! Beat it-go for a hike! Well, dude, this article is for you. I’m gonna save you 230% of your time and your humiliation rate will (finally!) drop by at least 5 points, okay? Like those guys said when they borrowed your wallet-trust us, we got this.
Does your little sister have a Hello Kitty backpack? Dump whatever the hell that loser has in it, hopefully she’s got some decent weed you can take.
Stick your shoes on your feet (Not in the backpack, dickhead!) and if you want to give yourself a change of clothes, okay, why not? It's your life. You can probably think of something to tell the cops when they find you in the park with your pants off.
You don’t need plug in chargers wherever you’re going- screw technology, anyway. Just pile in all the snacks you can find in the kitchen- you know how you get when you’ve smoked all your sister’s weed. Leave your own ID at home, but if you have a picture of someone who looks a little like you ( any asshole with ID works) take that so if you need to rob a house or something, you can drop that behind. It’s the pro-tip that works in +20 top countries where losers like you plan to get lost. So, go already! This packing list has already saved you 10 fucking hours! Take a hike!