I find it amusing that regardless of the fact that you said: "THIS IS NOT AN ACTUAL PROJECT!!!" People are bidding on this project seriously.
In any case, I am willing to provide you with a reasonable quote if I were to do this project. Over the span of one month, for $500, only working a few days out of the week (on top of communication between you and I) this project could be easily accomplished.
For your reference, take a look into Joomla. It does everything that site does out-of-the-box.
I hope this information is resourceful for you.
Sincerely,
Caleb Gray